If you know me, you know that I’m not at school every day; in fact, I’m absent and late multiple times a week. If you told me that information a little over a year ago, I never would’ve believed you. As someone who used to be homeless, I worked tirelessly to get to a stable place in my home life where I could attend school every day, only to get that privilege taken from me when I developed a chronic illness last March. This illness has taken over every aspect of my life, mind, and body.

Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome: “…involves repeated, unexplained episodes of severe nausea and vomiting. Episodes can last from a few hours to several days.” “…the estimated prevalence is 1.9% to 2.3% .” Though it’s typically found in children, the disorder can affect any age at any time. With no definite cause, cure, treatment plans, or medical test, it’s extra difficult to diagnose. Since episodes, symptoms, and treatment vary for each person, you might know someone with it and not even be aware. Because this is such an unresearched and undiagnosed disease, I often feel lost looking for help.

Personally, I’m prescribed Zofran to combat nausea, but due to its taste, I can never keep it down. It’s counterintuitive for me, but it could be life-saving for others. As for treatment, I’ve tried medication, hot baths/showers, certain scents, home remedies, practically everything under the sun, and worst of all, staying up all night so I physically can’t wake up sick. While that is what works best, it makes me too tired to get through the school day. So if you see me fall asleep in class, that’s why. Sometimes it feels like my last option might be transferring schools.

My first episode was last March at age 15, twice the typical age for this disorder. It was a normal day like any other. I woke up to get ready for school, I started feeling nauseous, I started throwing up, and I didn’t stop until 12 hours later. Do you know what it feels like to throw up for half a day? I hope you never do. If I remember correctly, I had about 2-3 more episodes in the next two months. I wasn’t believed by the people around me, so it took me until August to see a doctor for it.

My episodes are mostly brought on by my anxiety, and while I’m on medication for it, it doesn’t work whatsoever. Though I’ll never know what started my chronic illness, I surely have my theories. Two weeks before my first episode, I was taken advantage of by someone close to me. I believe the aftermath of this is what trigged my illness. My episodes used to be maybe once a month, but when this school year started, they escalated to multiple times a month, sometimes multiple in a week. It is the most embarrassing syndrome. I left the FIRST day of school early, for BOTH semesters. Being forced to go to a place with the main thing that triggers your disorder feels like torture.

I have left classes, club meetings, games, practices, lunches, dances, parties, performances, holidays, and even work due to my condition. I’ve missed guitar performances, school field trips, club fairs, tests, and any chance I had at leadership positions in my extracurriculars. As an academically driven person, this condition has ruined my school life. I want nothing more than to be present every day, to attend every club meeting, to attend every game, to perform my best every day, and especially to be an officer in my clubs. But I can’t. I cannot currently achieve my goals. And it kills me just like this disorder is. I’ve lost 50+ pounds in a year from this condition alone. People tell me how much better I look now, and I didn’t even have a say in the matter.

I do my best to put on a positive front and to make the best of my situation, but I’d be lying if I said this hasn’t taken some of my dream opportunities from me. Although I’d say the worst part of this syndrome (besides the vomiting…) is the judgment. Coming back to school just to hear snide remarks from adults, my supposed mentors and role models, about my attendance despite having a documented medical condition is the worst feeling in the world. I put my all into school, I aim to please my teachers and other staff, I still maintain my straight A’s, and despite all this, when a teacher remarks about my illness, I feel like the worst student in the world. I understand their frustration and try to ignore it and go on with my day, but those comments make me even more anxious to come to school, therefore furthering my condition.

I’ve prayed to every God to make this go away; if I had one wish, it would be to end this syndrome. A little compassion and understanding of my condition means the world to me. All I ask is that you put yourself in my shoes, and ask yourself if you’d have been able to do all that I do with this disorder. So the next time you don’t see me at school, I promise my guardian cares about me, I swear I care about school, I just can’t physically be there. I’m always doing my best, even if you think it’s not enough.