Why do I love and hate you at the same time?

Even though it’s not necessarily your fault, you make me miss out on so many important things in life. The hours I spent scrolling through endless videos on Instagram, which I will forget about in the next 5 minutes, not only robs me of the time I could use reading a book, or spending time with my family, but also results in me feeling insecure and having the loss of self-worth. Rather than centering on my goals or enjoying the life I have, I always find myself back to you, comparing myself to unrealistic expectations.

The more I desire refuge from you, it only takes me further away from my touch with special moments and occasions that solemnly matter. 

I remember once when I promised myself, I would spend my time after school completing homework so I could finish reading my book. I told myself I wouldn’t use my phone unless it was to respond to a quick text message. Two or three hours later I realized that one minute text response turned into scrolling. By the time I looked up from my phone, it was time to start getting ready for bed. I didn’t complete any homework or finish my book. I ended up getting behind in school and I couldn’t shake the thought…was it worth it? Did I really waste all that time on fulfillment that I barely remember?

You allow me to escape reality, yet occasionally I question whether I’m also escaping from myself.

I won’t refute the fact that you’ve taught me new things, made me laugh, stayed connected to my peers, and kept me distracted when I’m sad. However, the cost I pay is immersing myself in a virtual environment and essentially avoiding real-life responsibilities. Research has proven that the average teenager spends over seven hours of screen time a day. That is almost one-third of the day gone, with no achievements to show for it. What could I have accomplished during the amount of time I was on my phone?

Despite me realizing our problems, why do I still feel like I need you? Do I really need you for everything or have I just gotten used to the societal norm of relying on you? Why do I always turn to you when I’m bored or when I’m trying to get out of awkward situations that are normal to go through in life? Are you the one deciding how I spend my time, or is it just me who lets you?

I don’t hate you; I just want my life back. I want you to stop consuming me but also learn how to refrain from being dependent on you. I want a life where I only check my phone out of intention and not habit. A life where I focus on spending time in the present and not watching strangers live their own. A life where I find confidence in my own body,
rather than comparing it to social media’s projections. 

So, here’s to a new chapter, a healthier relationship between you and I, where I don’t feel the need to stare at you every so often. Let’s all stop for a second, get off your phone and see the light, to remember what it was once like feeling connected, either to someone, yourself, or even life.

From the glow of your screen,
A user trying to unplug.